The Retort

Scraping the Barrel: Rants, Raves, and Short Takes – The Ramblings of a Madman

Thu February 4th, 2010 by Mike Schrage Of The Retort Staff

• I will never have my own show on BET, for obvious reasons.
• What the hell is the deal with non alcoholic beer? To me, it’s too much like buying an issue of Playboy with all the nipples scratched out with a Sharpie.
• I think amateur pornography sites should be shut down. Not because I am morally opposed to adult cinema, but due to the simple fact that I tend to go out of my way to avoid seeing unattractive naked people grunting and thrusting on grainy video.
• If I learned one thing from the film “Passion of the Christ”, it was that Jesus sure knew how to take a punch. That, and Romans were real dicks.
• If I ever decided to get into porn, I was going to use “Wesley Pipes” as my screen name, but after a quick Google search I learned that someone had already taken that particular moniker. Ditto for ‘Miles Long’. Of course, that is all a moot point because ’acting’ in most porn would require me to go shirtless, and that ain’t happening any time soon.
• I can’t help but think how comical I would look in a rap video, wandering around shirtless while wearing a fur coat and carrying a bejeweled pimp chalice while P. Diddy poured Crystal for all the bitches.
• True Story #198: In April of 2009, I had a doctor inform me that I have an abnormally thick scrotal wall.
• To those of you who think that domestic violence is a subject you should never laugh at, just imagine Optimus Prime slapping Voltron and throwing him down a flight of stairs for burning the lasagna.
• In my humble opinion, the movie “Like Mike” is an example of casting agents not taking their job seriously. It stars Lil’ Bow Wow as a kid with magic sneakers, that simian-looking kid from “Jerry McGuire” as his best buddy, and George McFly as the lead villain who immorally operates an orphanage. Toss in the dad from “American Pie” and a very special cameo by Carl Winslow from “Family Matters”, and what do you have? Greatest. Movie. Ever.
• Whenever my mother asks me when I plan on settling down and having babies, I usually reply with “As soon as I can convince that hooker to not press charges. Speaking of, can I borrow $10,000?” That usually shuts her up.
• Marriage should be like a cell phone contract. A two year commitment, and if you decide not to renew, there is a $179.00 cancellation fee. Plus, the 24-hour support techs would come in handy.
• Speaking of marriage, know what pisses me off? Alimony. That’s like somebody stealing your car, and then sending you a bill for the oil change.
• Lies, Lies, Lies #286: In the winter of 1972, a bi-polar burlesque dancer-turned groupie was driving across country, following Grand Funk Railroad on their U.S tour. While stopping for gas and a few bong hits outside Melbeta, Nebraska, she agreed to pick up a hitchhiker who was travelling to attend his niece’s Quinceañera in Utah, and she agreed to give him a ride. In a LSD-fueled haze, she later seduced him, bludgeoned him with a tire iron, and left him to die in a corn field. While riffling through his pockets, she came across a story the drifter had written on the back of a fistful of dirty Arby’s napkins. That woman’s name was Judy Bloom, and she later published the dead man’s writing as the book “Superfudge.”
• I wonder if Judy Bloom’s people are going to come after me for that one.
• Attractive people have children. Ugly people breed.
• Anybody remember Scatman John? Sometimes I lie awake in bed wondering what happened to the dude.
• In the summer of 2009, there was an explosion at a Slim Jim factory that injured 32 people. I think we have reached the point where we as a country can have a laugh at the factory worker’s expense.
• I would have made a terrible Egyptian.
• I can only imagine there is no dignified way to go buy a tube of genital wart cream.
• Somewhere out there, there is an occupied handicapped parking space outside a skate park.
• Great Potential Band Names #398: The Sourdough Pretzel Sex Dream.
• I can’t tell you why, but I’ve always wanted to see a boy band where a member has one of those old fashioned pirate hooks for a hand.
• If I take free coffee and popcorn balls from someone in United Campus Ministry, am I obligated to believe in god? Because if so, I had better get my ass to church.
• If I ever decide to take my own life, my suicide note is going to consist of nothing but quotes from The Muppet Show.
• My ex-girlfriend left me for another guy. Now every time I need to go to the bathroom, I loudly pronounce that I have to go and take a Todd.
• Standup comedy is too hard; I much prefer to sit down.
• I think it would be highly ironic if the Pope visited Africa or Latin America and caught AIDS. Ironic, but in that funny kind of way.
• If you need me to explain that one, you really wouldn’t understand.
• I wonder if anyone else in U2 gives a goddamn about world hunger, or is that strictly Bono’s scene?
• Whenever I think I might have a lady over, I like to break out the lederhosen. Not because I’m Austrian, but because I think it’s a great conversation starter.
• VH1 has really missed the train on a surefire ratings success. As of 2009, the time for “Behind the Music: Kriss Kross” has come and gone.
• I wonder if the Daddy Mack will still indeed make you “Jump, jump”, or if that is a remnant from a bygone era.
• Would any of you Retort readers out there be interested in Erotic fiction penned by yours truly?
• No matter how many vials of my blood I send her, Joss Stone still won’t answer my letters.
• According to a survey I just made up, when given a choice, 99% of women would rather fellate a mediocre bass guitarist than a phenomenal banjo player.
• True Story #103: I once walked into a men’s room at an IHOP outside Houston, Texas and saw two women really sprawled out on top of the sink, really going at it. Several years later, the mere thought of boysenberry syrup still makes me queasy.
• Although I have no statistical research to back this up, 73% of pregnant women are unprepared for their babies being born with a tail.
• People are so damned worried about the high unemployment rate, the shaky economy, and gays getting married. But none of that is going to mean a damn thing when the zombies finally arrive.
• Attention Brangelina: For every little Cambodian kid you adopt, the price of my sneakers goes up. I’m working under a budget, so please stop depleting the Asian workforce.
• Lies, Lies, Lies #76: I invented the laundry hamper.
• German avant-garde porno seems somehow much weirder when watched on VHS tapes originally purchased to record reruns of “Growing Pains.”
• Although I’ve never been with a prostitute, I have dated a few whores.
• Know what’s fun to do? Take your mother out for breakfast, and count how many times you can slip the word “ejaculate” into the conversation.
• To all you faux skater boy nozzles: Stop wearing girl pants. It’s embarrassing, and you don’t really have the hips to pull it off.
• I really like this one girl, but she doesn’t know I exist. I must be getting better at concealing myself in shrubbery.
• You just never see a good old fashioned hootenanny anymore.
• Prison rape has always gotten sort of a bad name, don’t you think?
• God seems like the kind of asshole who drives an Escalade and takes up two parking spaces and blasts the Indigo Girls at full volume, doesn’t he?
• Poker on ESPN is bullshit. Unless you can tear your ACL doing it, it’s not a sport.
• Trampoline is an Olympic sport. If the standard for inclusion is so low, I would officially like to announce my candidacy for the United State’s Connect Four! team.
• There is no way anyone metaphysically wins a Lucky Charm eating contest.
• Right this second, another chicken is about to be slaughtered, plucked and dipped in a vat of boiling grease. And I still don’t care. You’re on your own, chicken.
• Barack Obama: One Nobel Peace Prize. Jim Varney: No Nobel Peace Prizes. Get it together, Norway.
• Doesn’t ‘epistemology’ sound like some sort of urinary tract infection?
• Every scientist wants to discover something so they can name it after themselves, but it had better be a good one. I’ll bet Hector Von Herpes and Phyllis Gonorrhea wish they had kept their mouths shut.
• I wonder if that hippie-looking asshole from Jethro Tull is somewhere playing his flute annoying the hell out of someone right now.
• Tiger Woods is apparently having some trouble. I guess we all can’t help but wonder how he got sucked into the dark and seedy underbelly of the golf world.
• Lies, Lies, Lies #19: Neil Diamond won a Silver Medal in Greco-Roman wrestling at the 1976 Olympics.
• If Pol Pot was still alive, I’m pretty sure I could take him in a cage fight.
• I’ll bet no one has ever been on their death bed and said “I wish I had taken pole-vaulting more seriously in high school”