The Retort

A: Well before I answer your question let’s look at some common statistics about masturbation. First, the average male begins masturbating around 11 or 12 at a rate of about 11 times per week. By age 35 the average man slows down to around five times per week. So you are actually slightly below average in terms of the quantity of your masturbation. However, I would also like to point out that masturbation is about quality, not quantity. It’s quite normal for people in a relationship to masturbate, either alone or as a couple. Often people interpret this as a lack of interest in one’s partner, but nothing could be farther from the truth. The real motivation behind masturbation can be an escape into a fantasy world, or just for a change of pace. The most important thing to keep in mind here is that it is entirely normal. So if pulling your pud really bothers your girlfriend that badly then encourage her to join you. Or perhaps she might want to do some exploring on her own, but she shouldn’t be making you feel like what you’re doing is wrong.

A: Unfortunately, as much as we would like to sometimes, we can’t make other peoples’ choices for them. The truth is that if your friend is set on having sex without condoms, then assuming he can find a partner who is equally willing to do so, he is going to keep doing it. You can, however, sit him down and tell him that you’re worried about him and that you are concerned for his health. Let him know that about 25% of all people with HIV don’t know they have it. Explain to him that even if he doesn’t end up with HIV there are plenty of other diseases out there that are incurable and very painful. Suggest that he should also Google pictures of several of those STD’s and look at what they really do to your body – it isn’t pleasant. I know it doesn’t provide a lot of comfort for you, but just being there and expressing your concern is really a big step. Beyond that, all you can do is hope he sees the error of his ways before it’s too late.

A: Honesty in any relationship is important. If partners can’t discuss how they feel, it could be a sign of a major issue. I know you don’t want to make her angry or upset, but there are ways to make your point with a minimal impact on her. First consider that her need and desire to cuddle is very normal. Typically women form their most intimate bonds with their partners outside of the act of sex, while men view the act of sex as the ultimate expression of intimacy. Perhaps start by explaining how you feel after sex. Then ask her how she feels. You might find a lot of clarity in those questions alone. Finally, you need to let her know that just because you don’t like to cuddle doesn’t mean you find her any less attractive. Explain that you would like to limit or eliminate cuddling but that you are willing to also compromise in an area that will help meet her needs as well. Maybe you can have a movie night once a week and she can cuddle with you during that time. There are plenty of options. It may be a bit of an awkward conversation to have but the consequences of not having it could put a bigger strain on your relationship.