The Retort

Nonsense???

Wed November 11th, 2009 by Kyla Mollett Of The Retort Staff

As the turtle drug its rear-less body across the pavement, blood drizzling from the opening, a little girl dressed in sheep skin skipped by on one wooden peg leg and long blonde braids. The turtle was twice the size of this peculiar little girl, and it shrieked an obnoxious, flamboyant and gut-wrenching scream. The girl was irritated by this so she covered her whole head, ear to ear, with one incredibly oversized hand. She hobbled along, but fell into a hole only wide enough and deep enough for her peg leg to get stuck in.

Then the hole grew fangs like teeth which punctured her wooden leg, creating a disastrous sound along with the bellowing turtle. The hole then opened its bottomless pit and swallowed her body, biting her off at the neck. The hole licked its chops, belched, and then shrank away from existence. The little girls head had been left to roll around, but thankfully for her, her pigtails doubled as legs and, as she was getting used to her new pair of legs, she wobbled around wide-mouthed and cackling. When she finally got the hang of it, she scampered away into a wall of water.

Standing nearby was a cockroach wearing a bow tie, a bowler cap and tap shoes. He was puffing off of an oversized cigarette, which he lit with a pocket-size campfire he had procured from the screaming turtle. He watched curiously as the girl’s head meandered into the vertical ocean laughing hysterically for some odd reason. How unusual, he thought to himself. He took a few drags off of the smoke, then popped it into his mouth and swallowed it in one painful gulp. He fell backwards onto all fours and walked precariously away.

As the scene changes, the ocean goes to the sky, the sky to the left, the left to the right, and so forth. The trees all flipped onto their sides and wheezed as they bent downwards. A few snapped and started crying miserably, as the others held onto their roots for dear life like it was the Titanic. Suddenly, all the water collapsed from the sky and the trees were emerged in hydrogen and oxygen. They gasped for air but received no mercy. Naturally, a lumberjack fish swam by at this exact moment, and began drooling when he saw that he was going to be dining like a king for a while. He rubbed his fins together greedily as he slowly approached his tasty, helpless friends. He hacked at them with an oversized plastic butter knife and giggled like a schoolgirl running from the boys. Devouring the trees, he grinned, and patted his belly in approval. He did not realize that he had eaten so much that it was going to be impossible to move for at least a few days. Suddenly the ocean dried up and he was left to be someone else’s grub for the night.